Not actually about Superman
by VioletUnicorn666
Summary: A powerful OC superhero who is best friend of Superman is sent to stop a world-ending threat of Thanos on the castle of Camelot. Shepard may or not actually show up. ALSO, CHILDREN DIE IN THIS! DON'T READ IF THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU ENJOY!
1. Chapter 1

Somebody once said to me that you should never meet your idols. They are either way uglier than on the posters, they smell of cigarettes and puke, or they are simply assholes. I grew up in a world without Superman, and boy do I wish it stayed that way.

I was nineteen when the Universes collapsed and merged. One day I went to sleep, hoping, as I often did, that I wouldn't wake up the next day, and I woke up to the sound of spaceship crashing into the parking lot of my dorm. I immediately recognized it as SSV Normandy. I took few shots of vodka, as I often do in the morning before I head to school, but this time I thought skipping a lesson would be worth it. Armed with my sunglasses, butter knife and my 'We'll bang, ok?' shirt, I went to meet one of my fictional heroes. Imagine my surprise when I found the ship empty. No bodies, no trace of anyone ever being there. But a skeleton of space-hamster was laying in the captain's cabin, so it must have been Normandy.

Few other students were also there, many of them nerds like me who probably jizzed their pants at the sight. One of them, a typical neckbeard if there ever was one, managed to open the doors into Javik's cabin, and found something reminiscent of Xenomorph hive. Weird, but so was the fact that Normandy was crashed into our parking lot.

Before we could fly away in it, a crew bonded by their lack of social life and depression, the authorities arrived and we had to leave the ship. I bet it's now locked somewhere underground with bunch of scientists cutting it apart. I only managed to loot a Carnifex from the armory before I had to leave. Shame, but better than nothing.

By this time, however, everyone started to notice other things happening. Such as several planets appearing on the sky, there suddenly being way more stars than there was supposed to be, some people and other things flying above our heads and several people suddenly doubling, or tripling. Just like that, their perfect clone stood next to them. The guy who tripled now lives happily married to his two other selves.

Anyway, I think i wanted to tell you about how I became a superhero. I am one, you see? They call me Witness, because I'm always there when something important happens. I don't really have any powers, except always surviving against extreme odds and finding useful stuff in the pockets of my coat. But I wear cool sunglasses, which makes me one of the more popular capes.

Few weeks after our universe merged with bunch of others, my life didn't change that much. I was still depressed because my crush remained oblivious to my obvious advances, and so I returned home for the annual Death Hockey match. See, I grew up in a small village which almost didn't make it onto a map. We had a bunch of weird traditions from the time during the World War 2 when nazis made camp there and the people living there had to entertain them. They made a special sport called Death Hockey, where children from the village entered the magical Forbidden Forest and the one who survived the longest was proclaimed winner. Their parents would get extra rations, so naturally there was always someone eager to join.

My parents ceased to exist when the universes merged, but our house still stood. My sister lived there off some unknown source of cash and made crazy ass parties. I crashed there for a few days, getting ready for the competition. In today's civilized times, the price for winning was much more than extra rations. It was drugs. A whole lot of them, and for a hardcore junkie it could last for over two years. Then it would kill him.

I wrote a last will and requested that my winnings get donated to charity. Children could always use some extra happiness in this world, I thought.

The day before the competition, my sister came to talk to me to finally introduce my name to the audience.

"James, why are you doing this? You know I am the one donating the drugs to winners, right?"

I snorted, having just emerged from an alcohol fueled sleep. She caught me sprawled on a sofa, a strangled hooker in my embrace. Only after a moment of sudden panic did I realize it was just a sex doll.

"Right." That was the only answer I could muster.

"I can give you enough for a lifetime. When our parents died I found their secret lab and now have unlimited supplies."

That was something I suspected. Our parents made a living selling poisons and truth serums to a local mafia. It wouldn't take a student of bioengineering to repurpose it, and I was a student of bioengineering. My sister shared half of my knowledge due to a satanic ritual we did as children, so it must have been a few hour's worth of work for her.

"I don't need drugs, Madelaine. I want the prize sent to charity." I stood up and dramatically looked out of the window. The small front garden which one could see from the living room was filled with trash common to all parties - empty cans, bottles, needles, pools of vomit and passed out merrymakers. "I want to die." I tried to say it with a sense of finality and hopelessness but instead it came out too low pitched and she couldn't understand.

"What?" She asked, her brow shooting up and her heart-shaped lips reeling back to reveal her perfect teeth in an expression of confused surprise.

"I want to die, Madelaine! I live an empty life; perhaps I can end it on some interesting note at least."

She came to me and hugged me, which I wasn't very comfortable with at first. She wore her outfit from yesterday party, a sexy waitress costume. I was a degenerate but we didn't live in Alabama. But the love that washed over me was pure and purely non-sexual.

"Alright, James. I don't think I could convince you anyway. Be sure to say hello to mum and dad when you meet them in heaven."

I thought, fuck that, but nodded. Why create needless conflicts?

That day I went to the forest near the village, not the Forbidden one though, and brought back a log of wood on a wretched cart drawn by pair of homeless men. I paid them handsomely to pretend they were oxen.

I spent the night in a workshop which replaced the garage of our house. I don't know how it happened, perhaps it appeared at the same time as the universes merged or Madelaine built it in a drug-fueled frenzy. I sat at a simple table with a knife my grandfather gave me when I was a child. It was a silvered blade with a handle made out of human bone. I carved a hockey stick from the log, the homeless men playing an epic guitar solo the whole time. A holographic projector turned the room into smithy of Hephaistos, covered in fumes and sparks. The stick I carved was about a metre long, ending with large ball. Death Hockey consisted of using your stick to roll a small ball forward while evading all the dangers of the Forbidden Forest. The round end could be used to break someone's kneecaps if necessary.

I fell asleep at dawn, and was woken up only by Madelaine bringing me my last breakfast, small fries from local McDonald's. She exchanged her outfit for that of a sexy nurse. The bags under her eyes and fresh needle marks in her arms hinted at another night spent partying. While I spent my time preparing for my inevitable end, she was enjoying herself to the fullest. I knew only an artist of great proportions could make this meaningful connection, and had to appreciate my own greatness.

Madelaine drove me to the starting area. The grassy field was already full of people eager to see their children brutally massacred. Many were placing bets.

I registered under my name, which was the last time I ever used it. Madelaine looked at me meaningfully. I did the same. Then I nodded. She did as well. We hugged for one last time and I walked onto the starting line.

"Send the drugs to children in Africa," I reminded her.

The starting line was full of people of all ages. The game was no longer purely for children, in this age when everyone wanted to kiss the sweet shadowy serpent of mercifully painful death. I took my place on the very edge, and waited until the person closest to me noticed me. After a while, he did so.

"DM," he nodded at me. It was Marcus, one of my friends who played Dungeons and Dragons with me.

"Ranger," I nodded back.

"Roll crits today," we both said with and air of epic seriousness as only nerds can do.

We put on our helmets and waited for the start signal.

It came soon. The referee shot a child tied to the post next to the starting line. Good old traditions.

The players shot forward, hitting their hockey balls with furious strength. I shot mine at least hundred meters forward. Many managed further.

It was considered dishonorable to attack another player sooner than ten minutes into the game. But alas, I swore I would get those drugs for the children in Africa.

I looked at the closest person whom I didn't share a bond of friendship with. It was a small girl no older than twelve. She wore a pink dress which was undoubtedly designed to fool her enemies and conceal her deadly nature. I ran closer to her and smashed her kneecaps.

She fell down and was quickly trampled by the players running behind her. A free-for-all melee ensued. I was busy deflecting stikes at my legs and head, so my speed faltered. I stood my ground and smashed another child's kneecaps. Then I brought the heavy end of the hockey stick on his head and smashed it to pieces. I laughed in maniacal joy and once more appreciated the deep cultural values of my people.

By then all the children were eliminated. The game was dominated by adults, and they wisely stopped fighting each other as they neared the second phase of the track. The cheering audience disappeared beyond a hill as we ran closer to the forest.

A spiked wheel covered in dried blood from previous games suddenly shot from the ground and slaughtered half the remaining players. Few more slipped on the spilled entrails and broke their necks. One woman was hit by a battering ram that appeared out of thin air. It seemed the organisators of the game didn't waste time implementing technology from other realities.

Soon, only three people were left. I looked under my feet as I moved the hockey ball with my hockey stick, ignoring the blood and gore around me. Marcus was right behind me, easily able to strike the back of my knee if he allowed the ball to slow down for a while. Alas, he was bound by friendship, as was I. The last player was a tall, blonde girl of about my age. A brief look showed me everything important about her - her breasts jiggled happily as she ran beautifully and her skin tight leather running outfit showed her perfect form worthy of at least two drunkenly-written poems.

I speed up, not allowing myself to be distracted. Soon I left those two far behind and reached a place where the grassy field turned into a swamp with no obvious way to move the hockey ball through it. For a moment, I thought I made it to the finish line. I stopped and waited for the other two to catch up.

Imagine my surprise when they passed me without stopping and disappeared in the wall of swamp plants. I cursed myself. Of course! I overlooked the secret passage. I was much faster than them, but I needed them to show me the way before I defeated them. Once more I praised my intelligence.

I started running again, catching up to them because running is easy like that. No one would try to attack each other by now - after surviving the first two phases, we shared a sense of respect for each other that could only be compared to relationship of two men who seduced the same girl while drunk in a bar and met for the first time during the threesome.

We were suddenly attacked by zombies. I saw them rise out of the mud and start screaming and attacking us. We formed a defensive circle and slayed many of them, but more were coming and we still had to focus on our balls on the ground.

Then the girl pointed her finger at the three shining orbs of light which shone from above the swamp nearby. We knew those must have been controlling the zombies, and so we destroyed one of them. Imagine our surprise when Marcus suddenly screamed and zombies dragged him into the mud. We fucked up. The orbs were sacrifice devices.

But the undead were appeased and we could run further. The swamp eventually turned into a forest, and we saw the mouth of a small cave coming close. A huge wolf was standing in it.

"I think we have to kill it!" the girl shouted and her breasts emphasized it by squeezing into a threatening shape.

"My PP is hard!" I cursed myself; that wasn't what I wanted to say. But by then the wolf had moved.

It was the size of a horse and as fast as fighter jet. We stood no chance. I didn't even see it move until it was suddenly right behind the girl, covered in her blood as she was falling into the mud without legs. Even later I realized I was also falling down, because the wolf ate my torso so fast I didn't notice it sooner. It was agonizing feeling of utter hopelessness but also clarity brought on by coming end of my life's journey. I felt enlightened by the universe's infinite mercy as I closed my eyes for the last time.

The next thing I remember is waking up on a medical table, screaming 'Let me die!'. Someone tore off the sweet tit of death I was sucking on. But who would dare to do such atrocity?

"James, I'm Superman. I saved you because you are a superhero."

"Fuck you Superman. I want to be dead!"

"I know. Conflicted people make for the best superheroes."

"I will kill everybody!" I shouted, meaning it.

"I will now put a special crystal in you which will give you your superpowers."

I was powerless against the Man of Steel. He put something hard into my rectum and I screamed "Nooo!".

Then there was silence.

That's how I became a superhero. I suffer every day. I feel terrible pain even though I did make lots of new friends. I am best friend of Superman now. But it's horrible, because by becoming superhero I also became so beautiful that people are in awe of me and I can't interact with them normally. It's a curse, this godhood.

For the next three years I was killing petty criminals in Metropolis-city. When the universes merged, America was thankfully obliterated by a nuclear fallout and Superman decided to build a new city in which he could rule. Soon it spanned almost the whole Europe.

I started to call myself Witness, because it sounded cool. But little did I know it would make me witness every important event first-hand. Thus I saw many superheroes die.

It's strange that in a world that is suddenly full of magic and fantasy beings as well as advanced spacefaring aliens, superheroes were still a thing.

I even saw superman die. That was when he became a depressed alcoholic. He was resurrected by dark necromancer who worked for Hitler himself and was horrified that someone so evil has left his mark on his soul. But alas.

One day I was walking down a street covered in blood of alien criminal who tried to eat my dog when I received call from my friend Superman.

"Witness, this is Superman speaking." As if I didn't immediately know that by his voice of a hard smoker.

"Yes I know. I already killed someone today, don't you regret making me a superhero?"

"We have a mission for you. It requires utmost secrecy. Meet me at the SuperSexClub."

He didn't bother saying goodbye. He never did, because that was for mortal people. Why should a god bother dealing with mortals? I once again thanked my intellect for making the chain of decisions that lead to me being aquintained with the wonderful alien being.

I made my way into the SuperSexClub. It was a place designed for superheroes to enjoy their sexual fantasies. It was where I was introduced to most superheroes I know. Imagine my disappointment when I learned that the people who protected law and justice were actually not really interested in degenerate sexual practices, and the club was often empty.

It was built in one of the urban, crime-riddle areas of Metropolis-city which were designed to be as dirty as possible. Superman knew that a well thought out city wouldn't be as susceptible to crime as to need a superhero, so he purposefully built such areas. On my way I passed around my favourite drug den, owned by no one else than my sister Madelaine. I waved a greeting to the cashier; I hooked up with him for one night when I was there and since then I stopped for some chit-chat weekly.

"Witness. How goes the superheroing?" He asked me. He was tall and muscular, a perfect person to be a morality anchor to a jaded superhero like me.

"Oh you know, as always." I pointed at my blood-stained coat. I found a lightsaber in it today, and enjoyed slicing apart the alien criminal. Shame it disappeared after the job was done, I bet I could have sold it on e-bay for at least 20 Metropolis-dollars.

"Listen, do you have some special pills to pass a long journey? I am supposed to go on a secret mission and probably will have to do a travel montage."

"Sure thing." He pulled out a small can from candy. Inside was a violet powder. "I won't tell you what it does, because I don't know. But it's illegal so it should be powerful."

I nodded philosophically. We both knew that the government would prohibit the working class from using anything that would make their lives at least temporarily less miserable.

"Thank you, this means a lot to me." I looked into his eyes and meaningfully held his hand, then kissed it. Then i was on my way.

I entered the SuperSexClub and headed to the back room. As always, there were only few superheroes there. I saw Spiderman passed out under a table.

Entering the back room, I saw there were all the big names present. Superman in his dirty, ragged coat was sitting on the very edge of a long table designed to remind people of The Last Supper painting. He had bags under his eyes as if he didn't sleep for several weeks, smelled of puke and cigarrete smoke and his beard was full of bits of food. A fresh cigarette was in his hand.

"Witness, it's good to see you. I trust you can mentally describe everyone else in this room so I don't have to give exposition?"

I sure could, and did so.

Next to him was Superguy, Superman's unfinished clone. He was skinny, and lacked legs. Then there was Batman, with his head resting on the table and a bottle of scotch in front of him. He grasped it with his hand as a drowning man may grasp a thrown rope.

There was also the Maidman, who derived his immense psychic power from being sexually humiliated. He was tied by a black ropa and gagged, a blindfold over his eyes. His butler, the Blue Tongue, sat next to him. Blue Tongue's special ability was his prehensile penis, as well as his tongue which could be extended to be over a mile long.

I sat down in badass pose which emphasized my muscular arms and torso.

"So what do you have for me?" I asked in a casual tone.

"We have a potentially world-ending crisis but no one to solve it," Superman said. I felt a foreign presence encroach into my mind and recognized it as Maidman. I suddenly saw a castle standing on a hill in a sea of nothingness.

"Maidman just showed you Camelot. It is the legendary seat of King Arthur and his knights. It also hosts a powerful relic called the Infinity Gauntlet, which could destroy universe in the wrong hands."

Then I saw a giant purple man.

"This is Thanos," Maidman's voice said in my mind. "He was imprisoned near the castle long time ago and now he escaped. If he reaches the gauntlet, he will destroy the universe to satisfy his genocidal tendencies."

"Which universe?" I asked sarcastically. The Camelot didn't seem like much.

"I know the Camelot doesn't look like much, but it's a popular tourist destination. It pays for big part of our public relations expenses. Without it, you would have to clean the bodies after yourself alone."

This suddenly got very serious.

"What do you want me to do, then? And why can't you do it?"

"I have other work to do," Superman said. "Batman here had a breakdown and we need to cheer him up, so we plan a big party with lots of hookers. I know he would enjoy those."

"So you want me to stop a world-ending threat so you can party?"

"Pretty much, yes."

I thought about it for a while.

"Alright. But I want another party after I come back."

"Of course, Witness. I already started planning it."

That was all I needed to hear.

"Here's some intel," Blue Tongue said. He produced a stack of documents and handed them to me. He also must have realized I wouldn't read them, because he immediately told me what they contained.

"We had a cape guarding Thanos' prison. Her name is Midday Sun, she's very low-level hero. She called us yesterday that Thanos escaped and she would try to catch him. But given she has no experience, we think you should to go as well."

That made sense to me.

"I guess she's dead. I will finish what she started."

I stood up and epically walked out of the room, putting on my sunglasses.

Travel between the fragments of the multiverse is very difficult. Only power that can bridge the shattered pieces of reality is manliness. The ship Superman gave me for this task was a small one, powered by three hundred slaves. Their task was to work out in the lower deck, their sweaty smell permeating the ship and allowing it to fly through nothingness.

I spent the journey in a pleasant haze of the violet drug my dealer gave me. It wasn't anything special, but it allowed me to see everyone's true thoughts about the current political climate, which was something the government wouldn't allow people to do.

The ship dropped me off at the base of the mountain which hosted the ancient castle of Camelot. I didn't want to do this mission alone, so I took my sister along. She saw it as pleasant distraction from tiring work of creating drugs.

While she took a stroll of the forest together with many tourists who came to spend their money at such a legendary place, I headed in the direction of Thanos' prison. It was a small lake. The purple man used to be imprisoned here in the form of petrified stone, but now was nowhere in sight. Shame.

I sat down in the spot where someone's ass made a slight depression in the ground - likely it was that of Midday Sun. I shouted: "Lady of the Lake, reveal yourself!"

And she did.

She looked like your typical crackhead hooker whom you might stumble into in a dark alley, as likely to stab you as she was to offer her services. She was short, her face covered by layer of make-up so thick it could feed a family of four for a week. The golden, glittery dress was stretched beyond all limits by her out-of-shape body and her smile was full of holes. My heart ached for her.

"Yea boy?"

"I didn't know you fell so low, Lady." I bowed my head to hide my tears.

"Right. It's all your fault! You superheroes made this place a holiday resort and the tourists throw trash into my lake."

My heart ached even more. I never thought that there could be a negative side to superheroes, but she opened my eyes. I swore to do something about it.

"Are you crying you little bitch? Imagine how I cried when some drunk took a shit in my lake! Plague on you!"

"I'm sorry Lady! I swear I'll fix this. But now I need your help. Do you know what happened to Thanos? And to the cape who was stationed here?"

"Aye, the girl was fine. She sometimes brought a man or two here for some sexy time, but always cleaned up afterwards. I liked talking to her."

The Lady of the Lake waved her hand and I saw an image form in the water. A beautiful woman with purple hair and smug grin on her face.

"I'd tap that," I said without thinking.

"Aye, many thought as you did. Alas, only few succeeded. I suppose if you save her life from Thanos she might give you a handjob."

"I won't satisfy myself with that. I must have her."

"Then you better be on your way. Thanos broke free when she was off buying some supplies. She went after him after I told her what happened. She only had an old laser rifle, though, so I don't hold my breath."

I smiled. Even though she hated humans, the Lady of the Lake used the metaphors and idioms so common for them. I appreciated the meaningful revelation.

"Thank you, Lady of the Lake. I will return after my quest is finished and do something about the contamination of your lake."

"Farewell then. I don't believe you but whatever."

She disappeared into the mist.


	2. Chapter 2

I joined my sister on the route to Camelot. Many tourists walked alongside us, reminding me of the death march which superman and I forced captured criminals into every once a year.

The path was difficult. My sister wasn't used to long walks, and she was out of drugs as well. I suggested to her that abstaining from chemical pleasures for a few days may do her good, but she was just shaking and hysterically laughing all the time.

The castle of Camelot was as majestic as everyone expected and imagined. It's mighty walls were decorated by heraldic emblems and waving flags of King Arthur and his knights. Heads of their enemies were hanging from them as well, their eyes pecked out by ravens. A beautiful sight which many tourists couldn't help but appreciate by stream of vomit.

There was also a hotel. Superman's funding for this mission made sure I got the best room, but it was still shitty because the manager of Camelot insisted on keeping everything historically accurate. Me and Madelaine unpacked our things and went to take a stroll of the majestic castle. Little did I know I would stumble upon Georgia, my long-time crush and object of my sexual fantasies involving hand-holding and cock-and-ball-torture.

"Oh hi Georgia," I said surprisingly. She was as georgious as always, smiling as she saw me. Her heavy heaving breasts also smiled, jiggling as they did. I knew her secret - her breasts had little mouths instead of nipples, and she was very ashamed of it. I often wondered whether the reason she didn't reciprocipricapated my advances wasn't that she thought herself unworthy. After all, women are defined by their beauty and their jiggly breasts. For a moment I wanted to spontaneously embrace her and kiss her. Tell her that my heart burns for her infinite love and my PP is eager to slide into her sacred temple. But alas, I already set my sight on a different target - the Midday Sun.

"James! What are you doing here? I thought you'd be on that party Superman is organizing."

I shook my head. "I can't. I have secret business here. I must stop someone from destroying this world, and do it without anyone knowing as well."

"That sucks. I sure hope you will succeed because I live here now."

I blinked. I thought the monk's robe she was wearing was just a costume. Was she not here on a holiday?

"What?" I pondered.

"Yes it's true! I joined the monastery here. I found my faith in Jesus Christ and Bloody Mary the Virgin."

I was dumbfounded. I clearly remember her being a satanist, sacrificing homeless men during lunch breaks while we still studied bioengineering. I grinned. I bet she was here only to subvert the local populace to her faith over time.

"I understand Georgia. Anyway, I have to go, I want to take selfie in front of some statue to post on y social media account. Bye."

She perkily hugged me and I felt her heavy breasts push against my chest. I felt something hard in my pants and once more regretted that I created the romantic subplot involving Midday Sun. But alas.

"See ya later James."

"Yes."

I stood in place for a long time, remembering all the nights I spent fantasizing about her knees crushing my testicles. Only Madelaine's nervous growling turned me off.

I looked at my sister. She was suffering from drug withdrawal, as I could see her ears turn into wolf ears and her mouth fill with unreasonable amount of saliva.

"Right, Madelaine, I'm going. We'll get something to eat."

Her answer was a happy bark.

We sat down in a cheap-looking fast food place and ordered some testicles… I mean fries. We ordered fries, with mayonnaise. My head was still full of Georgia.

"Are you thinking about that cute goth girl we met?"

I stared into the nearby window for several seconds, gathering my thoughts.

"Yes. I have always been drawn to her by some unexplainable power. Perhaps there is more to her than meets the eye, even my third eye."

I wondered about everything we ever talked about. Her childhood in some small city, Rlyeh was it called. Her affinity for jellyfish and all things disgusting to mankind. Could she be a supernatural being?

I was disturbed from my ponderings by a cheery waitress. She had small breasts, but I saw her deep personality shine at me through her wavy locks of auburn hair.

"Here are your testicles… I mean fries. Fries with mayonnaise."

I gared at her. She laughed.

"I'm sorry but are you a superhero as well? You're the second one who ate here in two days. Can you sign my ass?"

"Second?" Without thinking, I started thinking about what she could have meant. I pulled out my signing pen and she posed me with her ass. I wrote _Witnessed by Witness_, and added a small heart.

"Oh yes, thank you very much! I can't wait to show this to my mum. Anyway, yes, there was this purple-haired superhero here two days ago. She glared at me and asked about some purple men but I didn't saw any."

"Midday Sun!" I slammed my fist to the table, hoping that the moment would bring me some kind of revelation. Alas.

"Do you know where she went?" I asked her.

"Yeah, she mentioned something about a dungeon beneath the castle. It's a known junkie hideout."

"Thank you." I stood up and ran out of the door, hoping Madelaine could take care of herself. I headed to the dungeons.

I entered through secret exit from nearby coffee shop. I searched my coat for anything useful as I headed down the dark tunnels. I found a fork.

Determined to make the best out of it, i held the fork in front of me as I reached the room where the Infinity Gauntlet must have been kept. The place reeked of mystery.

A bear was standing guard there. He growled at me as I approached him, getting into fighting stance I recognised as ancient easter battle art. The bear must have been a potent combatant, his fur decorated by belts of many different colors.

"Halt," he growled.

I did so.

"I am Witness, sent here by Lord Superman. I must protect the Gauntlet from Thanos."

"You fool! You think I am guarding the Gauntlet? Thanos has already been here, and left me to kill anyone who came here looking for the Gauntlet. Prepare to die!"

"I am ready to die from the day I had a crystal put in my rectum!" I shouted. "But what of Midday Sun? Did you kill her, you foul beast?"

The bear laughed.

"She was no match for my kung-fu. I have several black belts in it. She had to use her Ex Machina to escape the cold claws of death." The bear raised the claws he mentioned and made a threatening gesture in my direction, as if he was pinching my nipples. I shook.

Ex Machina was a special power every superhero could use three times in their life. If what the bear said was true, then Midday Sun would be safe but away from action for a while.

"I will make vengeance!" I said, preparing my fighting stance. The fork pointed forward, aiming for the bear's crotch.

My enemy growled and rushed forward. I felt a sharp pain and realized I was defeated once again - he ate my torso. I cried out in pain, devastated by the terrible repeat of past events. Then I kissed death again, for the second time in my life. She looked like Georgia.

"James, I'm Gandalf. I saved you because you are a wizard." A terrible realization befell me.

"No, Gandalf! You can't do this. I must go back and defeat the bear!"

"Ah, my dear James, time travel isn't possible. It has been years since Thanos destroyed Camelot. Now let me put this special wand inside your ass."

"Nooo!" I shouted. I stood up and grabbed Gandalf's head, pulling it down and smashing his face with my knee. The wizard cried out in pain as I shattered his nose. If he was saying the truth, then Georgia was also dead. I remembered her perky breasts and the way she swayed her cute ass as she walked. I couldn't allow that.

Gandalf fell down, dead, and I saw we were in some kind of operation room. Was it the same one where Superman put the crystal inside my rectum? Possibly. That meant the place wasn't real - it was just a place where character development took place. I quickly came up with a plan.

Using my knowledge of bioengineering, I turned Gandalf's corpse into biomechanical multiversal engine. I smiled as it created a portal, and walked into the swirling mass of different shades of purple wearing the wizard's skin as cloak. Darkness took me, but I no longer felt death's cold hands wrapped around my PP.

I awoke in the room with the gauntlet, my torso quickly regrowing. I heroically stood up and entered a battle stance.

The bear monk looked at me with the barest modicum of surprise.

"I killed you once, I will kill you again."

"Not so fast," I said. "I am reborn anew. You don't stand a chance."

The bear rushed forward, his movements as fast as the first sex I had. The embarrassing memory was enough to distract me, and I fell down, my legs suddenly gone. The bear must have eaten them. I flailed around with the fork, but hit only empty air. The bear then ate my head.

"James, I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. I saved you because you are…"

"Nooo, for fuck's sake!"

I jumped up and took a bite out of the man's neck. His sweet flesh at least momentarily calmed me. But by the time I created a biomechanical multiverse engine from his corpse, I was angry. I was angry at myself, mostly. I had to defeat the bear now, because soon I would run out of rescues."

I stepped into the portal.

It was painful and tiring, but I stood up. My shaky feet slowly moved towards the bear monk.

"I see you didn't have enough. This time I will eat your dick, taking away your manliness and all hope of supernatural rescue."

He was right. No one would admit it, but people don't want characters who can't appear in a sex scene. I sighed. The sacrifice would be worth it, if I managed a mutual kill. Midday Sun would surely appear afterwards and lament my death, then finish the mission.

I thought about Georgia and her perky breasts. Suddenly I was enlightened by an idea.

"Oh, gods, whichever one of you that sexy goth girl worships, help me! Or you will lose her!"

I felt a sense of agreement beamed into my brain from unknown point in space and time and felt the space around me ripple. The bear growled and rushed forward. I lifted my fork.

The space suddenly twisted and the room was full of tentacles. They flapped in the air and twisted around the bear, sliding into his every orifice. His skin tore apart and a middle aged man fell out, blood trickling out of his nose. The tentacles disappeared, leaving us alone, and I bowed my head in universal prayer.

"Aaargh! What have you done?" The man asked and rushed at me.

He was no longer as fast. I sidestepped and stabbed the fork into his ear, damaging his brain in the process. He fell down dead.

I looked around in heroic manner and picked up my sunglasses from the ground. Then I went to the pedestal which used to hold the Infinity Gauntlet.

It was clear. Thanos had already been here, just as the bear said. But why didn't he destroy the universe then? Of course, I realized. he would do it in a cinematic manner. That meant he would sent an army of weak minions to the Knights of the Round Table would get a chance to show off. But it also meant I still had time to stop him.

Given I defeated the bear, I doubted Midday Sun would show up, so I returned back to the castle and found my sister. I told her everything that happened and gave her couple of weapons I kept in my traveling bag. Then I armed myself. My coat did produce useful things, but at times like these I preferred to be sure. I strapped my trusty Carnifex to my belt.

Madelaine then went to sleep, Day without drugs has exhausted her, and I couldn't blame her for it. She was so strong for taking care of herself after our parents disappeared.

I spent the night heroically looking from our room's balcony. I saw a procession of monks in the street, and my heart ached for Georgia and her powerful kicks.

In the morning, an alarm horn sounded and I knew Thanos was here.


	3. Chapter 3

And so I returned at last. I awoke from my sleep feeling rested, as is the norm among psychically healthy people, and moved from the balcony. I slept like a horse - that is to say, standing, on the balcony.

I stripped in the bathroom, allowing any potential movie remake of my story to be blessed with the sight of my utterly massive musculature. Even Superman found my pecs lovely, as was evident from his 70mph ejaculation. I rubbed myself in oils and slowly, dramatically put my super-gear back on. Memories of all my friends whom I forgot to write into the story were standing at my side, rubbing me as well and helping me get ready for the final showdown. The sunglasses were second-to-last. Then the coat. I allowed for several more seconds to pass before reaching into its pockets and pulling out the ultimate weapon of a hero such as myself… of course, I cannot reveal what it was yet. Yet the carnifex pistol was sure at my belt.

I walked out of the hotel and joined King Arthur on the battlements. The old guy was as majestic as one would imagine, a glowing chainsword in his hand. Galahad and Lancelot stood at his sides, as did another knight whose name I didn't know, yet I knew her to be an original character representing minorities. So that's the name I assigned to her - Minority.

"Good to see the sight of you at last, Witness. The armies of Thanos gather yonder!"

"Good. Did you give a speech?"

"Not yet. I await until all the warriors are here. We will require all the cheering they can produce."

"Good point my king."

And so we waited. Warriors of great renown gathered on the battements and the courtyards of Camelot. I saw many of them had unnaturally large codpieces attached to their armor, and questioned the fact.

"Ah, yes. A lovely nun has blessed us all with a flashing yesterday. Georgia is her name. Most of my knights are still fully erect, such is the power of her thighs and breasts!"

I nodded.

"Indeed. Known to me are these breasts, and I assure you you have been blessed, my king." Yet I shed a tear, internally. If I didn't create myself a romantic subplot, Georgia might have instead spent the night with me, fucking me roughly just as she liked it, her tight asshole clenched… Anyway, I was sad, is the gist of it.

Then, we saw a movement in the woods below, and an army of cheap CGI werewolves rushed from the undergrowth. I shouted a battlecry. King Arthur did so as well, rising his mighty Excalibur high and thus proclaiming: "Aye, lads! Here it is, the day of our doom! Show the tourists how us knights die, meaning, like a fucking heroes or not at all! And to those who survive I say, mourn not! For you will reap rich revenues from both tickets and souveniiiiirs!"

The last word, the king did not say alone. I joined him in his mighty battlecry myself, my perfect voice ringing high above the battlefield. The flashes of cameras of tourists who stayed in the castle temporarily blinded us all, yet I was a superhero and the knights were used to it. As true heroes do, we disregarded battle tactics. I proudly claim that I was the first to jump down the castle walls, landing in the horde of monsters and beginning the fight. I used my fists, fully employing the powers Superman granted into my rectum those many years ago. The beasties splattered under my blows, yet were beginning to overwhelm me anyway.

Of course, that was merely a setup for king Arthur's entry. He jumped into the fray, pistons and joins of his power-armor squeeling like cowardly men visiting a dentist. He slashed left and right and reaped a rich harvest of filthy death, blood and gore washing over him. Bits of shit as well - there was no PG13 on Camelot. I laughed maniacally as I did, enjoying the fray. It has been a long time since I killed so many innocent creatures at once, and I relished the opportunity. True, I could have been on Superman's party instead, yet I did not let the fact shake me.

And so we fought for several hours, until all the unnamed knights were killed, their red cloaks a testament to their bravery, for they were originally blue. Only five of us fought now.

Mighty King Arthur was the most heroic no doubt, screaming advertisements even as he cleaved enemies in quarters. "And this, this is for Raid! Shadow! Legeeeends!" He turned around and kicked a werewolf in its sensitive nuts. "A truly amazing game with ultra-advanced graphics!" It was like an enchantment to his fellow knights, as if the words empowered them. It made sense though - they were creatures of consumerism, their armours full of product placements. "It will keep you entertained for dayyys!"

That was when Thanos showed up.

He strolled in as if he had the biggest cock of us all, and bitch-slapped Arthur so hard the poor knight's face split apart. I knew it would happen, of course, but it still pained me to see the constant ads die down.

"Nooo!" I screamed, for it was appropriate. The purple man then turned to me.

"Well, well. I assume you're friend of that latina chick?"

That perked my interests, let me tell you. I have a very soft, but also hard, spot for latinas. I assumed he meant Midday Sun - that would mean me throwing Georgia away was the best choice I ever made.

"Yes! I plan on plowing that mexican ass!"

"Your casual racism will be your doom, hero! No person will stand behind you ever again for those words. And besides, the chica is dead. I killed her! Muhahaha!"

I noooed yet again. This would usually give me resolve to kill the bad guy, but I was just devastated. Midday Latina Sun, dead? How could it be? That ass was supposed to be mine, dammit!

"That's right, bitch boy! Cry!" Thanos laughed. He slowly walked closer to me, casually swatting aside Minority who tried to intercept him. I didn't fear for her life, knowing she wasn't allowed to die anyway. Then brave Galahad made his attempt, but was defeated just as easily, his historically inaccurate lance broken in half - likely a metaphor for male erectile dysfunction. I was still kneeling down in a very unseemly position as if I was waiting to be throatfucked, but there was yet another knight standing on the battlefield.

"You killed the man whose wife I was fucking, you bastard!"

Lancelot's voice rang true, and painful. I understood his grief too well - he would now have to find someone else to cuck. He stood there, pure distilled rage dancing on his armor like a flame… wait. Those were actual flames! Of course, he was advertising for a new brand of grilling oil! And now, the oil would allow him to grill his enemies! Truly, communism would have never allowed for such thing and it is only good that our society is a capitalist dystopia, stepping on the poor and enriching the already rich!

Lancelot threw his Lance, which was actually his cybernetic penis. He made a great sacrifice, giving up part of himself and becoming a mere Lot, but it was worth it - Thanos screamed like a little bitch and touched his face, fondling a small cut on his cheek. Truly, even a purple god can bleed.

Lot fell to his knees, exhausted. But I stood up, my coat flapping heroically.

"Alright Thanos, let's finish this! Georgia, proceed with the secret plan which wasn't even mentioned until this point!"

And she did, the magnificent big-breasted female specimen. A terrifying black tentacles sprouted from the ground and headed towards Thanos, and I grinned. Soon, his ass would know Hentai. Georgia was standing on the castle walls, her see-through robe swaying in the wind and revealing all the good bits as was appropriate for a tentacle sorceress. Sacrificing hoboes has proved useful after all.

Thanos screamed, first in surprise, the in pain, then in terror. The black tentacles found their way underneath his pants, then spread his cheeks and slithered inside his purple anus. The titan's horror was truly titanic, and I enjoyed the sight a bit too much as I approached him. Then I pulled the special weapon out of my pocket - the Ant Man.

I pushed the little man inside Thanos' spread rectum, just as Superman once pushed a crystal down mine in an image of perfect symmetry. The little superhero then increased in size, and Thanos exploded in a shower of blood, gore and diarrhea.

The aftermath of the battle was pretty boring, and so I instead spent it remembering how I devised my special plan with Georgia.

"So, do you do hentai?"

We were sitting in a small coffee shop, drinking tea.

"But of course! Tentacles are really easy once you get the hang of it, and I have plenty of practice."

That was good. And not just for her sex life - we would use it in battle.

"What about non-consensual stuff? The R-word?"

"Oh, hell nah! That's not my thing at all, sorry my friend."

"You're a nun! You are supposed to rape knowledge and progress anyway, so why not people?"  
"But those times are gone! Bloody mary preaches coexistence and something called evanescence. Not rape!"

"Goergia, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to emotionally blackmail you." She moved her perky little lips and big breasts, as if to disagree, but I was faster. "I always wanted to do you. To dance the horizontal with you. Slide my macaroni into your over, dry my umbrella near your heaters. But I thought you were way out of my league, and so I did nothing. But I know I should have! My PP regrets! I regret!"

She was baffled, and rightly so. I knew that the truth was, she considered herself below my standards, but by appearing as if I was the loser here…

"But james, that's true!"

"I'm sorry, what?" My PP suddenly went very soft, softer than ever before.

"You _are_ a loser, and I _am_ out of your league! How could you think otherwise, you fucking moron?"

A single tear rolled down my cheek.

The I thought, what a bitch, and bitch-slapped her I did.

"Okay, forget it. Just fucking rape Thanos or he will kill us all, alright?" Unwavered, I launched a speech of love and purity. "I care about you, I always did! That's why I stayed here to fight and die for this temple of consumerism! You think I care about the people? No. Just you, you dumb bitch! So the least thing you can do to repay that is going full hentai on that purple maniac!"

That wasn't at all how I expected that to go, yet what is done cannot be done differently. The memory soured my day, and I had to decline the offer of the surviving knights of the Round Table to join them on Arthur's funeral orgy. But I did suggest that they invite Madelaine, and they did.

Instead, I ventured downwards the slope of Mount Camelot, towards the lake Loc Eskalott. I borrowed a shovel, a net and a pair of thick gloves as well as several dozen trash sacks. A familiar figure was awaiting me on the shore.

"I'll be damned, you did it! You gorgeous motherfucker, you did it. You saved this popular tourist location from great evil."

"Thank you for your praise, Lady of the Lake. I deserve it. Yet, I feel like I deserve more than that! I lost my friend Arthur, and partly my friend Lancelot as well. He isn't the same person without his Lance. And my beloved Georgia, she revealed her true colors, her true feelings."

"I think you know why that is. Where the source of your disappointment lies."

I bowed my head.

"I do indeed. I loved her, purely and truly, yet wasn't sure of myself. I hoped she felt the same, and when she gave differing hints it only made me more eager to plow her. I should have kept it as it was - a bit of flirting here and there, a sex joke every weekend or so. The illusion of her was what was so beautiful - I don't think I could actually be in a proper relationship with her. It was the mystery which entertained me. And now I ruined it, in a gamble to get her to break her morals for me. I suppose that even if he got tentacle-raped and ass-ploded, Thanos won, in a way."

"You are wise for your age. When I see you, I stop thinking for a while that Superman gives those crystals into rectums at random, and start believing that he has an actual plan."

I merely nodded, and got to work. As I promised, I did my best to clean the lake of all rubbish. The sacks were quickly filling themselves, but my heart, that remained empty. Empty and bleeding, oh yes! How come I did not receive a reward at the end of my quest? And if you say that my work is its own reward, then go kill yourself you communist filth!

I took a break at Midday, and then I saw her - perhaps because of the time of day. She was laying on the shore a bit from me, laying sexilly and seductively as if waiting for someone. Her skin was that perfect middle-american minority tone, her hair purple just like on the bad-quality photos i have received. She had several bandages, likely hiding the injuries sustained from Kungfu-bear, but seemed very alive otherwise.

"Midday Sun!" I shouted, my penis becoming erect almost immediately. She noticed me. She smiled at me. She invited me closer, to lie on the grass with her and fondle her bits and have my own bits fondled in return. Her personality turned out to be as deep as her breasts were large, and I realized that the true reward was never the party with Superman, but the piece of ass that motivated me to go here in the first place. Hmm, wait, isn't that kinda obvious? But nevermind, for allow me to end my story with tale of passionate lovemaking spread over seventy three pages, wherein I describe, in detail…

[UNFORTUNATELY, THE REST OF THE DOCUMENT IS STAINED AND STUCK TOGETHER BY STRANGE, ALIEN SUBSTANCE. IT IS WHITE AND A BIT SALTY, WITH TRACES OF JUSTICE, HONOR AND IDEALISM IN IT. IT IS A MYSTERY WHOM IT MIGHT ORIGINATE FROM.]


End file.
